Within

 Needless to say the past 45 days have been extremely difficult for me.   This past week I did manage to lose .4 pound but I am expecting to see a huge shift this week and not in the right direction.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat my feelings and the faster I stuff the morsels of food into my mouth, the more depressed I become. I not only am an emotional eater, I binge. Look, it's no secret I am battling my own demons.  However things I have and have not dealt with does not give me an excuse to continue this cycle and blame others for situations I have gotten MYSELF into.  I have control issues.  I feel that it is my job to deal with and solve every problem of each and every person I care deeply for and God forbid if I cannot.  To me, that just will tell the person I have let down that I don't love them enough to MAKE it happen.  Need a car payment made? Sure I will take care of that.  Need the latest technology? Absolutely, coming right up.  The crazy thing is that MOST,  definitely not all, examples of this,  the person doesn't ask me for it but I feel obligated.  I feel that it is directed connected to just how much I love them. I really cannot tell you where that need comes from and I refuse to believe that every single emotion is tied to an event or trauma. Maybe I am wrong.  I am not an expert.

     Words or phrases that people have used for my "problem" are "people pleaser", "door mat", and gullible.  I can tell you what I have been diagnosed with in my months of counseling.

1.  I am co-dependent.
2. I have a fear of failure- Also referred to as atychiphobia
3. Fear of being left and fear of rejection.
4. I dislike(d) myself for so long that it's very difficult to accept that loving myself is okay.

    I have always felt that I have had to beg for attention.  ALWAYS! When I get any attention at all I feel almost paralyzed with fear that I am going to lose it.  I think I took the phrase, "out of sight, out of mind" to a whole different level. I can tell you though with 100% confidence in the past 4 years that has gotten a lot better.  I can be perfectly happy sitting on my couch with my cats and my dog, finally getting caught up on the bachelor. I have said no to people and for me before, that NEVER happened.  

      We all are fighting wars within ourselves and not one person on this earth is perfect and while you may or may not believe in God or a higher power, I do.  I have come to peace with the mistakes I truly did make and I know I am forgiven.  Learning to love yourself is a long process and something that must be done alone.  Your happiness can be amplified
by your partner but true happiness lies only within you.  

Once upon a time

    I really wish I had more time to write.  It has always been a passion of mine.  I will fully admit that I am not a technical writer.  I am sure the grammar police would have a field day.  I think back to a time when all I had was time.  At 317+ pounds and laying in bed nearly all day, you would think I would have all the time in the world to write.  I didn't.  I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, overthinking, and pleasing everyone else except me.  I thought that my purpose in life was to make everyone around me happy and by doing that I would feel better. I didn't realize what a disservice to myself that was.  It was also a disservice to my family. I cannot help to think to a spongebob episode where Mr. Crabs had decided to go into the hotel business and his motto, "We shall never deny a guest, even the most ridiculous request."

This was me.  I didn't care if it meant her having a Katana cell phone, Limited too clothes, or cheerleading, instead of paying the bills as any mature responsible adult should do.  I was happy to oblige. I wanted her to never feel that she didn't have the best of everything or was made fun of because of what she didn't have.

Growing up, I had everything I needed but very little of what I wanted and I remembered feelings of yearning and how unfair life was because I didn't have money for Nike shoes.  In short, I was a materialistic brat. Instead I should have been thankful to have a roof over my head, and food to eat. I never realized this until well into my 30's when I was able to pull my head out of my ass and realize I needed to change if I was ever going to have a productive life. 

I remember times when I wore $9.00 clearance sneakers from Wal-Mart for four years just so my children could wear name brand.  

I must say that I realize I created the need for materialistic possessions so I blame no one but myself until I came to my senses. 

Children do not come with operation manuals and trust me I admit to my fair share of screwing my children's perception of the world up royally. 

My grandmother, who I love dearly and will NEVER speak ill of, took to my son and furnished him with just about anything he wanted. 

I in turn, spent what money we had, and at times it wasn't much, on my daughter so that she had material possessions. 

So while you are thinking you are the "cool, hip" parent that pretty much lives for their  children, you are indeed setting your youngsters up to a world of unrealistic expectations and mental illness. 

You may also set yourself up to be chastised for what you didn't provide so that they could have what you thought she indeed wanted. 

Trust me when I say this, children, even when they are younger do not want material possessions deep down inside.  They want parents.  They want someone to look up too and someone to respect.

They do not want you as their friend, and if you raise them as such, they will never gain the quintessential characteristic called respect, and society will be left cleaning up your mistakes. 

-End

Living and losing weight with PCOS Part 1

   

     Most cases of PCOS are diagnosed shortly after a girl starts her period but come on later in life as well.  It can show up during the reproductive years or in response to a "traumatic event within your body" aka-a substantial weight gain.  I will assume that the last scenario did it for me.  I really didn't show symptoms of PCOS until after I had hit my highest weight, dropped back down to 200.6, was in a car accident and then gained back 39 pounds.

     I will be honest.  During "phase 1" of my weight loss, it was pretty easy for me.  I didn't work so working out and meal prep and planning was my job, and I treated it as such.  In the fall of 2014,  I had returned back to college and had started to work as a teacher's assistant and a tutor.  I was much busier and it became HARD.  I was lucky if I mad it to the gym 3-4 days a week.  I maintained my weight loss within 10 pounds or so for two years.  In February 2016, the day of the big east coast blizzard, I was involved in a car accident and sustained a head injury.  I was not able to do physical activity and packed on another 25 pounds.  When I was released in May 2016 I still went to the gym.  I still ate mostly healthy but the weight would not budge.  I was finding myself buying new fat clothes and that is something I promised myself I would not do.  I plan to do another blog about "fat clothes" here soon.  I was becoming more and more depressed by the day.

   I started in the endocrinology field during my externship and became FASINATED. I absorbed any and all information that I could get my hands on.  I was thrilled to land a job in that field after my externship.  At every oppertunity I would ask questions.  I began to think that I had PCOS, Dysmetabolic syndrome-insulin resistance pretty quickly.  One of the first things I did once my probation period was over and my insurance kicked in was make an appointment with the office I work for.  My doctor ordered a batter of tests.  Here are some of the test you can expect when you are checking for PCOS, Dysmetabolic Syndrome, and Insulin resistance.  By the way they are all related.

• Testosterone- Yes we ladies have testosterone.  Ladies with higher levels of testosterone can indicate one of the above diagnoses. 
• CMP (Complete metabolic panel)- This gives your physician clues and can rule out other issues with your health that can hinder weight loss.  The big one is your glucose level.  You can have a higher glucose number and not be diabetic.  This measures your glucose at the time of your blood draw.  It also measures thinks like your liver enzymes, microalbumin, creatine which could indicate kidney disease and diabetes. 
• HbA1C- This is the most common test to accurately diagnose diabetes.  This test measures your glucose levels % of the past 3-4 months (the life of a red blood cell)  If you have any of the above you are going to be hovering on the upper end of normal and perhaps even in the "pre-diabetic" stage.  Normal (4.5-5.5%)  Prediabetes (5.6-6.5)  Diabetic (6.6 and above). Remember these are just averages and your reference range (normal) could be slightly different and men do differ from women. 

There are other hormonal tests that can be ordered and an ultrasound is normally ordered around your menstral cycle to check to see if your ovaries are cystic.

      Because you cannot always rely on tests a patients symtoms are looked at.  Here are a few of the common ones with checks beside each that I personally have.

• Weight gain or inability to lose weight ⥌🙆
• Irregular periods 🙆 
• Adult acne
• Excessive hair growth (due to excess androgens-male hormones)
• Infertility
• Hair loss (usually scalp hair)🙆
• Fatigue🙆

     It isn't pleasant by any means.  It IS harder to lose weight with one of these diagnosis' because while your body is producing insulin, it is not as effective at lowering blood glucose levels as those without this disease.  Low blood insulin levels is esstential for weight loss.   

     The chief reason I am doing this blog is to educate and to let you know there is hope and there are treatments available and you CAN lose weight and conceive despite this.  I have done it and have been doing it since October 10, 2016.  To date, I have lost 34 pounds.

   Because this is such a large subject, I have to break this subject up into parts.  This is part 1.  

Part 2 will cover treatments

Part 3 will cover diet and exercise.

Disclaimer: Please note I am not a medical doctor.  I am a MA and a tutor for all biological science classes.  I am taking nutrition classes and have completed approxiately 50% of my personal training classes. Please do not use this as a medical diagnosis and do not start any diet or exericise program without permission from your physician.