Needless to say the past 45 days have been extremely difficult for me. This past week I did manage to lose .4 pound but I am expecting to see a huge shift this week and not in the right direction. I am an emotional eater. I eat my feelings and the faster I stuff the morsels of food into my mouth, the more depressed I become. I not only am an emotional eater, I binge. Look, it's no secret I am battling my own demons. However things I have and have not dealt with does not give me an excuse to continue this cycle and blame others for situations I have gotten MYSELF into. I have control issues. I feel that it is my job to deal with and solve every problem of each and every person I care deeply for and God forbid if I cannot. To me, that just will tell the person I have let down that I don't love them enough to MAKE it happen. Need a car payment made? Sure I will take care of that. Need the latest technology? Absolutely, coming right up. The crazy thing is that MOST, definitely not all, examples of this, the person doesn't ask me for it but I feel obligated. I feel that it is directed connected to just how much I love them. I really cannot tell you where that need comes from and I refuse to believe that every single emotion is tied to an event or trauma. Maybe I am wrong. I am not an expert.
Words or phrases that people have used for my "problem" are "people pleaser", "door mat", and gullible. I can tell you what I have been diagnosed with in my months of counseling.
1. I am co-dependent.
2. I have a fear of failure- Also referred to as atychiphobia
3. Fear of being left and fear of rejection.
4. I dislike(d) myself for so long that it's very difficult to accept that loving myself is okay.
I have always felt that I have had to beg for attention. ALWAYS! When I get any attention at all I feel almost paralyzed with fear that I am going to lose it. I think I took the phrase, "out of sight, out of mind" to a whole different level. I can tell you though with 100% confidence in the past 4 years that has gotten a lot better. I can be perfectly happy sitting on my couch with my cats and my dog, finally getting caught up on the bachelor. I have said no to people and for me before, that NEVER happened.
We all are fighting wars within ourselves and not one person on this earth is perfect and while you may or may not believe in God or a higher power, I do. I have come to peace with the mistakes I truly did make and I know I am forgiven. Learning to love yourself is a long process and something that must be done alone. Your happiness can be amplified
by your partner but true happiness lies only within you.
