Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Saturday, February 3, 2018
Staying Stuck
Written: 8/19/17
I have been thinking about this blog post for a while now but like every move I make these days, I have been questioning how to word it so that it isn't preceived to be about something it is not and that even if "the shoe fits", that it isn't offensive.
I have been in counseling for months now and have recently started seeing a psychotherapist that is a little more agressive than a counselor that I feel tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. ANYONE can patronize you but real growth happens when you become uncomfortable.
One of the first things I completed was a personality test. Shockingly (insert laughter), it stated that I have a problem with accepting criticism, rather it be constructive or a complement, and I dislike confrontation.
Now if you knew me 4-5 years ago, you would call these finding incorrect, and even comical. I went through bullying as a child, and I also bullied. One thing I am sure everyone can agree on is if you crave attention, you will go to to extrordinary measures to get it and it doesn't matter if it is positive or negative. I am not above admitting my mistakes. I have made many. Who hasn't?
I have been told over and over again that I am "book smart" and that I could accomplish great things. I received a scholarship my senior year in high school to go to college. I had pretty much narrowed down my career path to to be a nurse or a physician. I always knew that I wanted to work in the medical field. I was, and still remain a complete science nerd.
However, events and decisions took my life in a different direction. I am sure over time, I will write more about them. I became a shell of a person that resented the world. I blamed every single person in my life for the "injustice" I felt I had been served. I listened to statistics that stated that if you were born into a certain life that you may as well accept it because it was damn near impossible to be different and do different. Let me also be honest enough to admit that being lazy and doing nothing is much easier.
Skip ahead until 2012 where I hit what I then thought was rock bottom ; can I also mention the fact that rock bottom isn't really ever rock bottom. Then I began to change my life. I started to lose weight to prove to every "hater" that I was more than just masses of adipose tissue with a horrible attitude. I went back to college and found that I did rather well. After a year of weight loss, I found I was able to finally contribute to our household income and started working at my college. Then I began working on my spiritual growth.
The weight loss transformed me not only on an physical level but also an emotional one. Okay, what I am about to admit is pretty repulsive but it will give you insight as to how low I was. When you are 300+ pounds, and you are depressed, you literally do not care what you look like, or even smell like. I can say with 100% certainty. I would go a week or perhaps even longer without showering. I much preferred the "old whore's bathing technique". Then I started to fit into smaller clothes. I started to want to look nice, and that required buying myself new clothes. I NEVER bought myself anything. I would much rather spend it on my children. Somewhere along the way, I linked the number or cost of material possessions with the amount of love. Boy, was I wrong. If only I had a remote or some super hero power to turn back time. I completely changed my thoughts, opinions, patterns, and attitude.
I regret a lot of my latter teen years into my thirties. I made mistakes, a lot of them. In fact, I could be called a master hypocrite. I looked down on people who had gotten arrested for shop lifting, gotten in a bar fight, went out partying regularly. I can tell you now that I fully stand up and admit, I was wrong. I realize that it is human nature to judge. I also get that the publics pretend career of being judge and jury is one of the reasons a person throws up their hands and says, "why the hell should I even bother." Now I wasn't strong enough to admit those mistakes back then. I was a negative, miserable, judgmental bitch. (THE TRUTH)
Danny Trejo, an actor that is known for portraying characters that include, prisoner, hitman, and gang member spent time in and out of prison for armed robbery and other crimes. Now, he was able to turn his life around and now has grossed over 2 billion dollars. Most people are not so fortunate. The bureau of Justice states that 68% of prisoners released were arrested for a new crime within three years of release and 77% were arrested within 5. Do not get me wrong, I realize that some of these repeat offenders are just shitty people who have no regard for the law. However, how many of these prisoners are released from prisons, with the attitude that they want to be better and do better and then apply for employment only to realize that they are being judged all over again. They cannot provide for themselves or their families. They cannot find housing and become homeless. Their families and friends, and public as a whole turn into Judge Judy and damn them to hell even after years of proving their past mistakes would not be repeated and that they have become a functioning member of society. The thought of returning to a place where they were not judged by their peers, given a bed to sleep in, and three meals a day just seems the most plausible way to survive.
What would happen if more people were welcomed with open arms after they "paid their debt to society", and given another chance? I am not saying a person who served time for drugs should be able to go out and get a job as a pharmacy technician but someone explain to me why he cannot work for the city. Why does that person get a life long sentence of a title that no longer suites them? Have you ever heard a "self-fulfilling prophecy?" or "what the mind believes, the body achieves?" If people are constantly smacked in the face with their mistakes, it breaks a person. It cripples them. They're stuck.
Why is it the new normal to be so fucking self righteous that you feel you are more superior than another human being. Why is it that we cannot except that history doesn't always predict future behavior? History does not always repeat itself. There are new inventions, new discoveries, and evolutions. Why do we not feel the human race is incapable of the same transformations.
If you asked me six months ago if I would ever vote to legalize marijuana, I would tell you that you were crazy. Today, I would tell you that I do support legalization in certain circumstances.
So before you judge someone who is brave enough to come out and say they are trying to change, try supporting them until they give YOU a legitament reason not too. If you asked friends of a young Greg Mathis if they ever thought he would become a judge, and then a judge on a syndicated television personality, most of them would laugh and say you had lost your mind. However, he had someone SOMEONE show him kindness. He had people who realized his past did not dictate his future and he was able to rise above.
I find myself giving people in my life a second chance, and maybe even a third. There is no manual to this journey through life. I want to show compassion. I want to plant and nurture hope to the hopeless. I want people to realize there is no such thing as staying stuck.
I have been in counseling for months now and have recently started seeing a psychotherapist that is a little more agressive than a counselor that I feel tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. ANYONE can patronize you but real growth happens when you become uncomfortable.
One of the first things I completed was a personality test. Shockingly (insert laughter), it stated that I have a problem with accepting criticism, rather it be constructive or a complement, and I dislike confrontation.
Now if you knew me 4-5 years ago, you would call these finding incorrect, and even comical. I went through bullying as a child, and I also bullied. One thing I am sure everyone can agree on is if you crave attention, you will go to to extrordinary measures to get it and it doesn't matter if it is positive or negative. I am not above admitting my mistakes. I have made many. Who hasn't?
I have been told over and over again that I am "book smart" and that I could accomplish great things. I received a scholarship my senior year in high school to go to college. I had pretty much narrowed down my career path to to be a nurse or a physician. I always knew that I wanted to work in the medical field. I was, and still remain a complete science nerd.
However, events and decisions took my life in a different direction. I am sure over time, I will write more about them. I became a shell of a person that resented the world. I blamed every single person in my life for the "injustice" I felt I had been served. I listened to statistics that stated that if you were born into a certain life that you may as well accept it because it was damn near impossible to be different and do different. Let me also be honest enough to admit that being lazy and doing nothing is much easier.
Skip ahead until 2012 where I hit what I then thought was rock bottom ; can I also mention the fact that rock bottom isn't really ever rock bottom. Then I began to change my life. I started to lose weight to prove to every "hater" that I was more than just masses of adipose tissue with a horrible attitude. I went back to college and found that I did rather well. After a year of weight loss, I found I was able to finally contribute to our household income and started working at my college. Then I began working on my spiritual growth.
The weight loss transformed me not only on an physical level but also an emotional one. Okay, what I am about to admit is pretty repulsive but it will give you insight as to how low I was. When you are 300+ pounds, and you are depressed, you literally do not care what you look like, or even smell like. I can say with 100% certainty. I would go a week or perhaps even longer without showering. I much preferred the "old whore's bathing technique". Then I started to fit into smaller clothes. I started to want to look nice, and that required buying myself new clothes. I NEVER bought myself anything. I would much rather spend it on my children. Somewhere along the way, I linked the number or cost of material possessions with the amount of love. Boy, was I wrong. If only I had a remote or some super hero power to turn back time. I completely changed my thoughts, opinions, patterns, and attitude.
I regret a lot of my latter teen years into my thirties. I made mistakes, a lot of them. In fact, I could be called a master hypocrite. I looked down on people who had gotten arrested for shop lifting, gotten in a bar fight, went out partying regularly. I can tell you now that I fully stand up and admit, I was wrong. I realize that it is human nature to judge. I also get that the publics pretend career of being judge and jury is one of the reasons a person throws up their hands and says, "why the hell should I even bother." Now I wasn't strong enough to admit those mistakes back then. I was a negative, miserable, judgmental bitch. (THE TRUTH)
Danny Trejo, an actor that is known for portraying characters that include, prisoner, hitman, and gang member spent time in and out of prison for armed robbery and other crimes. Now, he was able to turn his life around and now has grossed over 2 billion dollars. Most people are not so fortunate. The bureau of Justice states that 68% of prisoners released were arrested for a new crime within three years of release and 77% were arrested within 5. Do not get me wrong, I realize that some of these repeat offenders are just shitty people who have no regard for the law. However, how many of these prisoners are released from prisons, with the attitude that they want to be better and do better and then apply for employment only to realize that they are being judged all over again. They cannot provide for themselves or their families. They cannot find housing and become homeless. Their families and friends, and public as a whole turn into Judge Judy and damn them to hell even after years of proving their past mistakes would not be repeated and that they have become a functioning member of society. The thought of returning to a place where they were not judged by their peers, given a bed to sleep in, and three meals a day just seems the most plausible way to survive.
What would happen if more people were welcomed with open arms after they "paid their debt to society", and given another chance? I am not saying a person who served time for drugs should be able to go out and get a job as a pharmacy technician but someone explain to me why he cannot work for the city. Why does that person get a life long sentence of a title that no longer suites them? Have you ever heard a "self-fulfilling prophecy?" or "what the mind believes, the body achieves?" If people are constantly smacked in the face with their mistakes, it breaks a person. It cripples them. They're stuck.
Why is it the new normal to be so fucking self righteous that you feel you are more superior than another human being. Why is it that we cannot except that history doesn't always predict future behavior? History does not always repeat itself. There are new inventions, new discoveries, and evolutions. Why do we not feel the human race is incapable of the same transformations.
If you asked me six months ago if I would ever vote to legalize marijuana, I would tell you that you were crazy. Today, I would tell you that I do support legalization in certain circumstances.
So before you judge someone who is brave enough to come out and say they are trying to change, try supporting them until they give YOU a legitament reason not too. If you asked friends of a young Greg Mathis if they ever thought he would become a judge, and then a judge on a syndicated television personality, most of them would laugh and say you had lost your mind. However, he had someone SOMEONE show him kindness. He had people who realized his past did not dictate his future and he was able to rise above.
I find myself giving people in my life a second chance, and maybe even a third. There is no manual to this journey through life. I want to show compassion. I want to plant and nurture hope to the hopeless. I want people to realize there is no such thing as staying stuck.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Checking in
I recently started working on my home office now that I have 2 bedrooms that are empty. I am not 100% sure if I will do weekly videos or if I will lean toward mainly blogging. I quite enjoy writing. Now, I have said many times before, I will never be a technical writer. So the grammar nazi's may want to refrain from reading any further. Don't say I didn't warn ya.I personally enjoy a style called "free writing". I spent enough time slaving over APA papers in college. I have no plans to be an author and even if I did, there are editors that I would gladly keep in business to make it "pretty" for me.
What is free writing?
"Free writing enables the writer to get past the conventional frame of work because it allows ideas to flow from the mind to the pen. In freewriting there are no walls or boundaries to cast a grammatical shadow on the writer."
Okay so back to the "checking in"...
I am sure that many think I have fallen off the face of the earth and gained all my weight back. I just wanted to let you all know, I am here and I am still fighting.
I have had some pretty major changes occur in my life. Some for the better, and some that were quite scary.
I had surgery in September that sidelined me from the gym for the better part of nearly two months. The thing is that when I was released to go back to the gym, I didn't, not like I had been going. I did however continue to watch my diet.
I did research and tried "The Keto diet", and it did not work for me. I ended up in the hospital with elevated Lipase levels and a mild case of pancreatitis. I will write more about that experience in a later blog.
Currently, I am holding steady at 192.1 and I have recently started back at the gym 3-4 days a week. I have gone from a size 28 pant to a size 14. My total loss to date is 125 pounds.
I cannot tell you the personal growth that I have experienced in 2017. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you. Never EVER forget that there is no deadline for finding yourself and making yourself a priority. You will lose some as you go through this transformation and that is okay. Every person has their own path to follow. The only thing you can do is wish them well and pray they are happy.
- https://www.lynchburg.edu/academics/writing-center/wilmer-writing-center-online-writing-lab/drafting-a-document/freewriting/
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