Coming soon

Staying Stuck

Written: 8/19/17

I have been thinking about this blog post for a while now but like every move I make these days,  I have been questioning how to word it so that it isn't preceived to be about something it is not and that even if  "the shoe fits", that it isn't offensive.
I have been in counseling for months now and have recently started seeing a psychotherapist that is a little more agressive than a counselor that I feel tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear.  ANYONE can patronize you but real growth happens when you become uncomfortable.
One of the first things I completed was a personality test.  Shockingly (insert laughter),  it stated that I have a problem with accepting criticism, rather it be constructive or a complement, and I dislike confrontation.
Now if you knew me 4-5 years ago, you would call these finding incorrect, and even comical.  I went through bullying as a child, and I also bullied.  One thing I am sure everyone can agree on is if you crave attention, you will go to to extrordinary measures to get it and it doesn't matter if it is positive or negative. I am not above admitting my mistakes.  I have made many. Who hasn't?
I have been told over and over again that I am "book smart" and that I could accomplish great things.  I received a scholarship my senior year in high school to go to college.  I had pretty much narrowed down my career path to to be a nurse or a physician.  I always knew that I wanted to work in the medical field. I was, and still remain a complete science nerd.
However, events and decisions took my life in a different direction.  I am sure over time, I will write more about them.  I became a shell of a person that resented the world.  I blamed every single person in my life for the "injustice" I felt I had been served.  I listened to statistics that stated that if you were born into a certain life that you may as well accept it because it was damn near impossible to be different and do different.  Let me also be honest enough to admit that being lazy and doing nothing is much easier.
Skip ahead until 2012 where I hit what I then thought was rock bottom ; can I also mention the fact that rock bottom isn't really ever rock bottom. Then I began to change my life.  I started to lose weight to prove to every "hater" that I was more than just masses of adipose tissue with a horrible attitude. I went back to college and found that I did rather well. After a year of weight loss, I found I was able to finally contribute to our household income and started working at my college.  Then I began working on my spiritual growth.
The weight loss transformed me not only on an physical level but also an emotional one. Okay, what I am about to admit is pretty repulsive but it will give you insight as to how low I was.  When you are 300+ pounds, and you are depressed, you literally do not care what you look like, or even smell like.  I can say with 100% certainty. I would go a week or perhaps even longer without showering.  I much preferred the "old whore's bathing technique".  Then I started to fit into smaller clothes.  I started to want to look nice, and that required buying myself new clothes.  I NEVER bought myself anything.  I would much rather spend it on my children. Somewhere along the way, I linked the number or cost of material possessions with the amount of love.  Boy, was I wrong.  If only I had a remote or some super hero power to turn back time. I completely changed my thoughts, opinions, patterns, and attitude.
I regret a lot of my latter teen years into my thirties.  I made mistakes, a lot of them.  In fact, I could be called a master hypocrite.  I looked down on people who had gotten arrested for shop lifting, gotten in a bar fight, went out partying regularly.  I can tell you now that I fully stand up and admit, I was wrong.   I realize that it is human nature to judge.  I also get that the publics pretend career of being judge and jury is one of the reasons a person throws up their hands and says, "why the hell should I even bother." Now I wasn't strong enough to admit those mistakes back then. I was a negative, miserable, judgmental bitch. (THE TRUTH)
Danny Trejo, an actor that is known for portraying characters that include, prisoner, hitman, and gang member spent time in and out of prison for armed robbery and other crimes.  Now, he was able to turn his life around and now has grossed over 2 billion dollars.  Most people are not so fortunate.  The bureau of Justice states that 68% of prisoners released were arrested for a new crime within three years of release and 77% were arrested within 5.  Do not get me wrong, I realize that some of these repeat offenders are just shitty people who have no regard for the law.  However, how many of these prisoners are released from prisons, with the attitude that they want to be better and do better and then apply for employment only to realize that they are being judged all over again.  They cannot provide for themselves or their families.  They cannot find housing and become homeless.  Their families and friends, and public as a whole turn into Judge Judy and damn them to hell even after years of proving their past mistakes would not be repeated and that they have become a functioning member of society.  The thought of returning to a place where they were not judged by their peers, given a bed to sleep in,  and three meals a day just seems the most plausible way to survive.
What would happen if more people were welcomed with open arms after they "paid their debt to society", and given another chance? I am not saying a person who served time for drugs should be able to go out and get a job as a pharmacy technician but someone explain to me why he cannot work for the city.  Why does that person get a life long sentence of a title that no longer suites them? Have you ever heard a "self-fulfilling prophecy?"  or "what the mind believes, the body achieves?"  If people are constantly smacked in the face with their mistakes, it breaks a person.  It cripples them. They're stuck.
Why is it the new normal to be so fucking self righteous that you feel you are more superior than another human being.  Why is it that we cannot except that history doesn't always predict future behavior? History does not always repeat itself. There are new inventions, new discoveries, and evolutions.  Why do we not feel the human race is incapable of the same transformations.
If you asked me six months ago if I would ever vote to legalize marijuana, I would tell you that you were crazy. Today, I would tell you that I do support legalization in certain circumstances.
So before you judge someone who is brave enough to come out and say they are trying to change, try supporting them until they give YOU a legitament reason not too. If you asked friends of a young Greg Mathis if they ever thought he would become a judge, and then a judge on a syndicated television personality, most of them would laugh and say you had lost your mind.   However, he had someone SOMEONE show him kindness.  He had people who realized his past did not dictate his future and he was able to rise above.
I find myself giving people in my life a second chance, and maybe even a third.  There is no manual to this journey through life.  I want to show compassion.  I want to plant and nurture hope to the hopeless.  I want people to realize there is no such thing as staying stuck.

Checking in

I recently started working on my home office now that I have 2 bedrooms that are empty.  I am not 100% sure if I will do weekly videos or if I will lean toward mainly blogging.  I quite enjoy writing.  Now, I have said many times before, I will never be a technical writer.  So the grammar nazi's may want to refrain from reading any further.  Don't say I didn't warn ya.
I personally enjoy a style called "free writing".  I spent enough time slaving over APA papers in college. I have no plans to be an author and even if I did, there are editors that I would gladly keep in business to make it "pretty" for me.
What is free writing?
"Free writing enables the writer to get past the conventional frame of work because it allows ideas to flow from the mind to the pen. In freewriting there are no walls or boundaries to cast a grammatical shadow on the writer."
Okay so back to the "checking in"...
I am sure that many think I have fallen off the face of the earth and gained all my weight back.  I just wanted to let you all know, I am here and I am still fighting.
I have had some pretty major changes occur in my life.  Some for the better, and some that were quite scary.
I had surgery in September that sidelined me from the gym for the better part of nearly two months. The thing is that when I was released to go back to the gym, I didn't, not like I had been going.  I did however continue to watch my diet.
I did research and tried "The Keto diet", and it did not work for me.  I ended up in the hospital with elevated Lipase levels and a mild case of pancreatitis.  I will write more about that experience in a later blog.
Currently, I am holding steady at 192.1 and I have recently started back at the gym 3-4 days a week. I have gone from a size 28 pant to a size 14.  My total loss to date is 125 pounds.
I cannot tell you the personal growth that I have experienced in 2017. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you.  Never EVER forget that there is no deadline for finding yourself and making yourself a priority.  You will lose some as you go through this transformation and that is okay.  Every person has their own path to follow.  The only thing you can do is wish them well and pray they are happy.

1. https://www.lynchburg.edu/academics/writing-center/wilmer-writing-center-online-writing-lab/drafting-a-document/freewriting/

Within

 Needless to say the past 45 days have been extremely difficult for me.   This past week I did manage to lose .4 pound but I am expecting to see a huge shift this week and not in the right direction.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat my feelings and the faster I stuff the morsels of food into my mouth, the more depressed I become. I not only am an emotional eater, I binge. Look, it's no secret I am battling my own demons.  However things I have and have not dealt with does not give me an excuse to continue this cycle and blame others for situations I have gotten MYSELF into.  I have control issues.  I feel that it is my job to deal with and solve every problem of each and every person I care deeply for and God forbid if I cannot.  To me, that just will tell the person I have let down that I don't love them enough to MAKE it happen.  Need a car payment made? Sure I will take care of that.  Need the latest technology? Absolutely, coming right up.  The crazy thing is that MOST,  definitely not all, examples of this,  the person doesn't ask me for it but I feel obligated.  I feel that it is directed connected to just how much I love them. I really cannot tell you where that need comes from and I refuse to believe that every single emotion is tied to an event or trauma. Maybe I am wrong.  I am not an expert.

     Words or phrases that people have used for my "problem" are "people pleaser", "door mat", and gullible.  I can tell you what I have been diagnosed with in my months of counseling.

1.  I am co-dependent.
2. I have a fear of failure- Also referred to as atychiphobia
3. Fear of being left and fear of rejection.
4. I dislike(d) myself for so long that it's very difficult to accept that loving myself is okay.

    I have always felt that I have had to beg for attention.  ALWAYS! When I get any attention at all I feel almost paralyzed with fear that I am going to lose it.  I think I took the phrase, "out of sight, out of mind" to a whole different level. I can tell you though with 100% confidence in the past 4 years that has gotten a lot better.  I can be perfectly happy sitting on my couch with my cats and my dog, finally getting caught up on the bachelor. I have said no to people and for me before, that NEVER happened.  

      We all are fighting wars within ourselves and not one person on this earth is perfect and while you may or may not believe in God or a higher power, I do.  I have come to peace with the mistakes I truly did make and I know I am forgiven.  Learning to love yourself is a long process and something that must be done alone.  Your happiness can be amplified
by your partner but true happiness lies only within you.  

Once upon a time

    I really wish I had more time to write.  It has always been a passion of mine.  I will fully admit that I am not a technical writer.  I am sure the grammar police would have a field day.  I think back to a time when all I had was time.  At 317+ pounds and laying in bed nearly all day, you would think I would have all the time in the world to write.  I didn't.  I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, overthinking, and pleasing everyone else except me.  I thought that my purpose in life was to make everyone around me happy and by doing that I would feel better. I didn't realize what a disservice to myself that was.  It was also a disservice to my family. I cannot help to think to a spongebob episode where Mr. Crabs had decided to go into the hotel business and his motto, "We shall never deny a guest, even the most ridiculous request."

This was me.  I didn't care if it meant her having a Katana cell phone, Limited too clothes, or cheerleading, instead of paying the bills as any mature responsible adult should do.  I was happy to oblige. I wanted her to never feel that she didn't have the best of everything or was made fun of because of what she didn't have.

Growing up, I had everything I needed but very little of what I wanted and I remembered feelings of yearning and how unfair life was because I didn't have money for Nike shoes.  In short, I was a materialistic brat. Instead I should have been thankful to have a roof over my head, and food to eat. I never realized this until well into my 30's when I was able to pull my head out of my ass and realize I needed to change if I was ever going to have a productive life. 

I remember times when I wore $9.00 clearance sneakers from Wal-Mart for four years just so my children could wear name brand.  

I must say that I realize I created the need for materialistic possessions so I blame no one but myself until I came to my senses. 

Children do not come with operation manuals and trust me I admit to my fair share of screwing my children's perception of the world up royally. 

My grandmother, who I love dearly and will NEVER speak ill of, took to my son and furnished him with just about anything he wanted. 

I in turn, spent what money we had, and at times it wasn't much, on my daughter so that she had material possessions. 

So while you are thinking you are the "cool, hip" parent that pretty much lives for their  children, you are indeed setting your youngsters up to a world of unrealistic expectations and mental illness. 

You may also set yourself up to be chastised for what you didn't provide so that they could have what you thought she indeed wanted. 

Trust me when I say this, children, even when they are younger do not want material possessions deep down inside.  They want parents.  They want someone to look up too and someone to respect.

They do not want you as their friend, and if you raise them as such, they will never gain the quintessential characteristic called respect, and society will be left cleaning up your mistakes. 

-End

Living and losing weight with PCOS Part 1

   

     Most cases of PCOS are diagnosed shortly after a girl starts her period but come on later in life as well.  It can show up during the reproductive years or in response to a "traumatic event within your body" aka-a substantial weight gain.  I will assume that the last scenario did it for me.  I really didn't show symptoms of PCOS until after I had hit my highest weight, dropped back down to 200.6, was in a car accident and then gained back 39 pounds.

     I will be honest.  During "phase 1" of my weight loss, it was pretty easy for me.  I didn't work so working out and meal prep and planning was my job, and I treated it as such.  In the fall of 2014,  I had returned back to college and had started to work as a teacher's assistant and a tutor.  I was much busier and it became HARD.  I was lucky if I mad it to the gym 3-4 days a week.  I maintained my weight loss within 10 pounds or so for two years.  In February 2016, the day of the big east coast blizzard, I was involved in a car accident and sustained a head injury.  I was not able to do physical activity and packed on another 25 pounds.  When I was released in May 2016 I still went to the gym.  I still ate mostly healthy but the weight would not budge.  I was finding myself buying new fat clothes and that is something I promised myself I would not do.  I plan to do another blog about "fat clothes" here soon.  I was becoming more and more depressed by the day.

   I started in the endocrinology field during my externship and became FASINATED. I absorbed any and all information that I could get my hands on.  I was thrilled to land a job in that field after my externship.  At every oppertunity I would ask questions.  I began to think that I had PCOS, Dysmetabolic syndrome-insulin resistance pretty quickly.  One of the first things I did once my probation period was over and my insurance kicked in was make an appointment with the office I work for.  My doctor ordered a batter of tests.  Here are some of the test you can expect when you are checking for PCOS, Dysmetabolic Syndrome, and Insulin resistance.  By the way they are all related.

• Testosterone- Yes we ladies have testosterone.  Ladies with higher levels of testosterone can indicate one of the above diagnoses. 
• CMP (Complete metabolic panel)- This gives your physician clues and can rule out other issues with your health that can hinder weight loss.  The big one is your glucose level.  You can have a higher glucose number and not be diabetic.  This measures your glucose at the time of your blood draw.  It also measures thinks like your liver enzymes, microalbumin, creatine which could indicate kidney disease and diabetes. 
• HbA1C- This is the most common test to accurately diagnose diabetes.  This test measures your glucose levels % of the past 3-4 months (the life of a red blood cell)  If you have any of the above you are going to be hovering on the upper end of normal and perhaps even in the "pre-diabetic" stage.  Normal (4.5-5.5%)  Prediabetes (5.6-6.5)  Diabetic (6.6 and above). Remember these are just averages and your reference range (normal) could be slightly different and men do differ from women. 

There are other hormonal tests that can be ordered and an ultrasound is normally ordered around your menstral cycle to check to see if your ovaries are cystic.

      Because you cannot always rely on tests a patients symtoms are looked at.  Here are a few of the common ones with checks beside each that I personally have.

• Weight gain or inability to lose weight ⥌🙆
• Irregular periods 🙆 
• Adult acne
• Excessive hair growth (due to excess androgens-male hormones)
• Infertility
• Hair loss (usually scalp hair)🙆
• Fatigue🙆

     It isn't pleasant by any means.  It IS harder to lose weight with one of these diagnosis' because while your body is producing insulin, it is not as effective at lowering blood glucose levels as those without this disease.  Low blood insulin levels is esstential for weight loss.   

     The chief reason I am doing this blog is to educate and to let you know there is hope and there are treatments available and you CAN lose weight and conceive despite this.  I have done it and have been doing it since October 10, 2016.  To date, I have lost 34 pounds.

   Because this is such a large subject, I have to break this subject up into parts.  This is part 1.  

Part 2 will cover treatments

Part 3 will cover diet and exercise.

Disclaimer: Please note I am not a medical doctor.  I am a MA and a tutor for all biological science classes.  I am taking nutrition classes and have completed approxiately 50% of my personal training classes. Please do not use this as a medical diagnosis and do not start any diet or exericise program without permission from your physician.  

Forgive them anyway...

      If you ever want to attract conflict, succeed in something.  Start to do well and miserable people will swarm you like bees on honey.  More specifically start to do well where someone else is struggling.  You will literally see the envy seep from their pores.

    Soon you will be forced to feel as though you are wrong for mentioning your accomplishments or steps you took to get there.  People will bring up every mistake from your past. They will hang on to every part of the old you that you fought so hard to change.

     All I try to remember is that misery loves company.  It isn't that they dislike you or that they aren't proud of you.  They are.  They just wish they were at the point in their lives or their weight loss journey as you are.

   Changing is not easy.  Losing weight is not easy.  It is hard.  It is frightening to step outside of a life you know.  We are all unique and we mature at different rates and at different stages of our lives.  If you think you are mature in your 20's..lol, you aren't.  I didn't even begin to get my life together until I was 28 years old.

     However, do not feel ashamed for getting where you are.  There are other people watching you and learning from your actions AND reactions.  There are others that are inspired by you.  Shout your accomplishments from the rooftops.  Where you came from and where you're going will or have never been easy.

   Those people are difficult to deal with but I think of something Mother Theresa said;

"Forgive them anyway"