Checking in

I recently started working on my home office now that I have 2 bedrooms that are empty.  I am not 100% sure if I will do weekly videos or if I will lean toward mainly blogging.  I quite enjoy writing.  Now, I have said many times before, I will never be a technical writer.  So the grammar nazi's may want to refrain from reading any further.  Don't say I didn't warn ya.
I personally enjoy a style called "free writing".  I spent enough time slaving over APA papers in college. I have no plans to be an author and even if I did, there are editors that I would gladly keep in business to make it "pretty" for me.
What is free writing?
"Free writing enables the writer to get past the conventional frame of work because it allows ideas to flow from the mind to the pen. In freewriting there are no walls or boundaries to cast a grammatical shadow on the writer."
Okay so back to the "checking in"...
I am sure that many think I have fallen off the face of the earth and gained all my weight back.  I just wanted to let you all know, I am here and I am still fighting.
I have had some pretty major changes occur in my life.  Some for the better, and some that were quite scary.
I had surgery in September that sidelined me from the gym for the better part of nearly two months. The thing is that when I was released to go back to the gym, I didn't, not like I had been going.  I did however continue to watch my diet.
I did research and tried "The Keto diet", and it did not work for me.  I ended up in the hospital with elevated Lipase levels and a mild case of pancreatitis.  I will write more about that experience in a later blog.
Currently, I am holding steady at 192.1 and I have recently started back at the gym 3-4 days a week. I have gone from a size 28 pant to a size 14.  My total loss to date is 125 pounds.
I cannot tell you the personal growth that I have experienced in 2017. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you.  Never EVER forget that there is no deadline for finding yourself and making yourself a priority.  You will lose some as you go through this transformation and that is okay.  Every person has their own path to follow.  The only thing you can do is wish them well and pray they are happy.

1. https://www.lynchburg.edu/academics/writing-center/wilmer-writing-center-online-writing-lab/drafting-a-document/freewriting/

Within

 Needless to say the past 45 days have been extremely difficult for me.   This past week I did manage to lose .4 pound but I am expecting to see a huge shift this week and not in the right direction.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat my feelings and the faster I stuff the morsels of food into my mouth, the more depressed I become. I not only am an emotional eater, I binge. Look, it's no secret I am battling my own demons.  However things I have and have not dealt with does not give me an excuse to continue this cycle and blame others for situations I have gotten MYSELF into.  I have control issues.  I feel that it is my job to deal with and solve every problem of each and every person I care deeply for and God forbid if I cannot.  To me, that just will tell the person I have let down that I don't love them enough to MAKE it happen.  Need a car payment made? Sure I will take care of that.  Need the latest technology? Absolutely, coming right up.  The crazy thing is that MOST,  definitely not all, examples of this,  the person doesn't ask me for it but I feel obligated.  I feel that it is directed connected to just how much I love them. I really cannot tell you where that need comes from and I refuse to believe that every single emotion is tied to an event or trauma. Maybe I am wrong.  I am not an expert.

     Words or phrases that people have used for my "problem" are "people pleaser", "door mat", and gullible.  I can tell you what I have been diagnosed with in my months of counseling.

1.  I am co-dependent.
2. I have a fear of failure- Also referred to as atychiphobia
3. Fear of being left and fear of rejection.
4. I dislike(d) myself for so long that it's very difficult to accept that loving myself is okay.

    I have always felt that I have had to beg for attention.  ALWAYS! When I get any attention at all I feel almost paralyzed with fear that I am going to lose it.  I think I took the phrase, "out of sight, out of mind" to a whole different level. I can tell you though with 100% confidence in the past 4 years that has gotten a lot better.  I can be perfectly happy sitting on my couch with my cats and my dog, finally getting caught up on the bachelor. I have said no to people and for me before, that NEVER happened.  

      We all are fighting wars within ourselves and not one person on this earth is perfect and while you may or may not believe in God or a higher power, I do.  I have come to peace with the mistakes I truly did make and I know I am forgiven.  Learning to love yourself is a long process and something that must be done alone.  Your happiness can be amplified
by your partner but true happiness lies only within you.  

Once upon a time

    I really wish I had more time to write.  It has always been a passion of mine.  I will fully admit that I am not a technical writer.  I am sure the grammar police would have a field day.  I think back to a time when all I had was time.  At 317+ pounds and laying in bed nearly all day, you would think I would have all the time in the world to write.  I didn't.  I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, overthinking, and pleasing everyone else except me.  I thought that my purpose in life was to make everyone around me happy and by doing that I would feel better. I didn't realize what a disservice to myself that was.  It was also a disservice to my family. I cannot help to think to a spongebob episode where Mr. Crabs had decided to go into the hotel business and his motto, "We shall never deny a guest, even the most ridiculous request."

This was me.  I didn't care if it meant her having a Katana cell phone, Limited too clothes, or cheerleading, instead of paying the bills as any mature responsible adult should do.  I was happy to oblige. I wanted her to never feel that she didn't have the best of everything or was made fun of because of what she didn't have.

Growing up, I had everything I needed but very little of what I wanted and I remembered feelings of yearning and how unfair life was because I didn't have money for Nike shoes.  In short, I was a materialistic brat. Instead I should have been thankful to have a roof over my head, and food to eat. I never realized this until well into my 30's when I was able to pull my head out of my ass and realize I needed to change if I was ever going to have a productive life. 

I remember times when I wore $9.00 clearance sneakers from Wal-Mart for four years just so my children could wear name brand.  

I must say that I realize I created the need for materialistic possessions so I blame no one but myself until I came to my senses. 

Children do not come with operation manuals and trust me I admit to my fair share of screwing my children's perception of the world up royally. 

My grandmother, who I love dearly and will NEVER speak ill of, took to my son and furnished him with just about anything he wanted. 

I in turn, spent what money we had, and at times it wasn't much, on my daughter so that she had material possessions. 

So while you are thinking you are the "cool, hip" parent that pretty much lives for their  children, you are indeed setting your youngsters up to a world of unrealistic expectations and mental illness. 

You may also set yourself up to be chastised for what you didn't provide so that they could have what you thought she indeed wanted. 

Trust me when I say this, children, even when they are younger do not want material possessions deep down inside.  They want parents.  They want someone to look up too and someone to respect.

They do not want you as their friend, and if you raise them as such, they will never gain the quintessential characteristic called respect, and society will be left cleaning up your mistakes. 

-End

Living and losing weight with PCOS Part 1

   

     Most cases of PCOS are diagnosed shortly after a girl starts her period but come on later in life as well.  It can show up during the reproductive years or in response to a "traumatic event within your body" aka-a substantial weight gain.  I will assume that the last scenario did it for me.  I really didn't show symptoms of PCOS until after I had hit my highest weight, dropped back down to 200.6, was in a car accident and then gained back 39 pounds.

     I will be honest.  During "phase 1" of my weight loss, it was pretty easy for me.  I didn't work so working out and meal prep and planning was my job, and I treated it as such.  In the fall of 2014,  I had returned back to college and had started to work as a teacher's assistant and a tutor.  I was much busier and it became HARD.  I was lucky if I mad it to the gym 3-4 days a week.  I maintained my weight loss within 10 pounds or so for two years.  In February 2016, the day of the big east coast blizzard, I was involved in a car accident and sustained a head injury.  I was not able to do physical activity and packed on another 25 pounds.  When I was released in May 2016 I still went to the gym.  I still ate mostly healthy but the weight would not budge.  I was finding myself buying new fat clothes and that is something I promised myself I would not do.  I plan to do another blog about "fat clothes" here soon.  I was becoming more and more depressed by the day.

   I started in the endocrinology field during my externship and became FASINATED. I absorbed any and all information that I could get my hands on.  I was thrilled to land a job in that field after my externship.  At every oppertunity I would ask questions.  I began to think that I had PCOS, Dysmetabolic syndrome-insulin resistance pretty quickly.  One of the first things I did once my probation period was over and my insurance kicked in was make an appointment with the office I work for.  My doctor ordered a batter of tests.  Here are some of the test you can expect when you are checking for PCOS, Dysmetabolic Syndrome, and Insulin resistance.  By the way they are all related.

• Testosterone- Yes we ladies have testosterone.  Ladies with higher levels of testosterone can indicate one of the above diagnoses. 
• CMP (Complete metabolic panel)- This gives your physician clues and can rule out other issues with your health that can hinder weight loss.  The big one is your glucose level.  You can have a higher glucose number and not be diabetic.  This measures your glucose at the time of your blood draw.  It also measures thinks like your liver enzymes, microalbumin, creatine which could indicate kidney disease and diabetes. 
• HbA1C- This is the most common test to accurately diagnose diabetes.  This test measures your glucose levels % of the past 3-4 months (the life of a red blood cell)  If you have any of the above you are going to be hovering on the upper end of normal and perhaps even in the "pre-diabetic" stage.  Normal (4.5-5.5%)  Prediabetes (5.6-6.5)  Diabetic (6.6 and above). Remember these are just averages and your reference range (normal) could be slightly different and men do differ from women. 

There are other hormonal tests that can be ordered and an ultrasound is normally ordered around your menstral cycle to check to see if your ovaries are cystic.

      Because you cannot always rely on tests a patients symtoms are looked at.  Here are a few of the common ones with checks beside each that I personally have.

• Weight gain or inability to lose weight ⥌🙆
• Irregular periods 🙆 
• Adult acne
• Excessive hair growth (due to excess androgens-male hormones)
• Infertility
• Hair loss (usually scalp hair)🙆
• Fatigue🙆

     It isn't pleasant by any means.  It IS harder to lose weight with one of these diagnosis' because while your body is producing insulin, it is not as effective at lowering blood glucose levels as those without this disease.  Low blood insulin levels is esstential for weight loss.   

     The chief reason I am doing this blog is to educate and to let you know there is hope and there are treatments available and you CAN lose weight and conceive despite this.  I have done it and have been doing it since October 10, 2016.  To date, I have lost 34 pounds.

   Because this is such a large subject, I have to break this subject up into parts.  This is part 1.  

Part 2 will cover treatments

Part 3 will cover diet and exercise.

Disclaimer: Please note I am not a medical doctor.  I am a MA and a tutor for all biological science classes.  I am taking nutrition classes and have completed approxiately 50% of my personal training classes. Please do not use this as a medical diagnosis and do not start any diet or exericise program without permission from your physician.  

Forgive them anyway...

      If you ever want to attract conflict, succeed in something.  Start to do well and miserable people will swarm you like bees on honey.  More specifically start to do well where someone else is struggling.  You will literally see the envy seep from their pores.

    Soon you will be forced to feel as though you are wrong for mentioning your accomplishments or steps you took to get there.  People will bring up every mistake from your past. They will hang on to every part of the old you that you fought so hard to change.

     All I try to remember is that misery loves company.  It isn't that they dislike you or that they aren't proud of you.  They are.  They just wish they were at the point in their lives or their weight loss journey as you are.

   Changing is not easy.  Losing weight is not easy.  It is hard.  It is frightening to step outside of a life you know.  We are all unique and we mature at different rates and at different stages of our lives.  If you think you are mature in your 20's..lol, you aren't.  I didn't even begin to get my life together until I was 28 years old.

     However, do not feel ashamed for getting where you are.  There are other people watching you and learning from your actions AND reactions.  There are others that are inspired by you.  Shout your accomplishments from the rooftops.  Where you came from and where you're going will or have never been easy.

   Those people are difficult to deal with but I think of something Mother Theresa said;

"Forgive them anyway"

Who do you think you are?

     For those of you who dislike rants you may want to ignore this post. (Deep breath) I am SO SICK of being ignorant posts about people who are obese, even morbidly obese. Do you think it makes you a better person to poke fun of someone else? Are you perfect? Guess what...perfection does not exist. Do you know their circumstance? They may have a health issue, An emotional situation, medications that save their lives but causes weight gain. You have NO IDEA how much words can hurt. 

     Not every person who is obese is lazy. Not every thin person is healthy. Skinny does NOT equal healthy. Stop bullying others for a laugh to make yourself feel better so you do not have to look in a mirror and face your own imperfections. WORK ON YOU and leave others alone! Be supportive and offer advice and help not criticism. Your body does not define who you are. Your heart does. (mic drop)

Day 1 of 2016- 2015 in review

      2015 was a pretty darn good year.  I had my ups and there were some downs but I survived and I can honestly say I am a better person than I was last year.  Most of all I am proud of myself when it comes to taking steps to stand up for myself and demand to be treated with the respect than I deserve.    I am a victim of allowing people who I love to take advantage of me and talk to me badly. This year I took control of that and while it has not been perfect, I have gotten better.

I graduated with my first college degree and expanded my tutoring business.  I made the presidents list my first semester and the deans list the second semester (I am still a little butt-hurt over the B I got in a lab class this past semester) but still ended with a 3.93 gpa.

My biggest down was gaining 36 pounds back but I ended the year so strong.

2016 is going to be an amazing year. I am in my last semester for my MA degree and will pick up a liberal arts degree as well.  I will begin a career while continuing to run my business. The first part of this year I have a lot of decisions to make as far as my future. I know I want to get a bachelors degree and then go on to get a masters degree.  I also plan to get to my lowest weight (below 200.6) and I plan to become even stronger emotionally.


So here's to the future.  .....