Coming soon

Staying Stuck

Written: 8/19/17

I have been thinking about this blog post for a while now but like every move I make these days,  I have been questioning how to word it so that it isn't preceived to be about something it is not and that even if  "the shoe fits", that it isn't offensive.
I have been in counseling for months now and have recently started seeing a psychotherapist that is a little more agressive than a counselor that I feel tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear.  ANYONE can patronize you but real growth happens when you become uncomfortable.
One of the first things I completed was a personality test.  Shockingly (insert laughter),  it stated that I have a problem with accepting criticism, rather it be constructive or a complement, and I dislike confrontation.
Now if you knew me 4-5 years ago, you would call these finding incorrect, and even comical.  I went through bullying as a child, and I also bullied.  One thing I am sure everyone can agree on is if you crave attention, you will go to to extrordinary measures to get it and it doesn't matter if it is positive or negative. I am not above admitting my mistakes.  I have made many. Who hasn't?
I have been told over and over again that I am "book smart" and that I could accomplish great things.  I received a scholarship my senior year in high school to go to college.  I had pretty much narrowed down my career path to to be a nurse or a physician.  I always knew that I wanted to work in the medical field. I was, and still remain a complete science nerd.
However, events and decisions took my life in a different direction.  I am sure over time, I will write more about them.  I became a shell of a person that resented the world.  I blamed every single person in my life for the "injustice" I felt I had been served.  I listened to statistics that stated that if you were born into a certain life that you may as well accept it because it was damn near impossible to be different and do different.  Let me also be honest enough to admit that being lazy and doing nothing is much easier.
Skip ahead until 2012 where I hit what I then thought was rock bottom ; can I also mention the fact that rock bottom isn't really ever rock bottom. Then I began to change my life.  I started to lose weight to prove to every "hater" that I was more than just masses of adipose tissue with a horrible attitude. I went back to college and found that I did rather well. After a year of weight loss, I found I was able to finally contribute to our household income and started working at my college.  Then I began working on my spiritual growth.
The weight loss transformed me not only on an physical level but also an emotional one. Okay, what I am about to admit is pretty repulsive but it will give you insight as to how low I was.  When you are 300+ pounds, and you are depressed, you literally do not care what you look like, or even smell like.  I can say with 100% certainty. I would go a week or perhaps even longer without showering.  I much preferred the "old whore's bathing technique".  Then I started to fit into smaller clothes.  I started to want to look nice, and that required buying myself new clothes.  I NEVER bought myself anything.  I would much rather spend it on my children. Somewhere along the way, I linked the number or cost of material possessions with the amount of love.  Boy, was I wrong.  If only I had a remote or some super hero power to turn back time. I completely changed my thoughts, opinions, patterns, and attitude.
I regret a lot of my latter teen years into my thirties.  I made mistakes, a lot of them.  In fact, I could be called a master hypocrite.  I looked down on people who had gotten arrested for shop lifting, gotten in a bar fight, went out partying regularly.  I can tell you now that I fully stand up and admit, I was wrong.   I realize that it is human nature to judge.  I also get that the publics pretend career of being judge and jury is one of the reasons a person throws up their hands and says, "why the hell should I even bother." Now I wasn't strong enough to admit those mistakes back then. I was a negative, miserable, judgmental bitch. (THE TRUTH)
Danny Trejo, an actor that is known for portraying characters that include, prisoner, hitman, and gang member spent time in and out of prison for armed robbery and other crimes.  Now, he was able to turn his life around and now has grossed over 2 billion dollars.  Most people are not so fortunate.  The bureau of Justice states that 68% of prisoners released were arrested for a new crime within three years of release and 77% were arrested within 5.  Do not get me wrong, I realize that some of these repeat offenders are just shitty people who have no regard for the law.  However, how many of these prisoners are released from prisons, with the attitude that they want to be better and do better and then apply for employment only to realize that they are being judged all over again.  They cannot provide for themselves or their families.  They cannot find housing and become homeless.  Their families and friends, and public as a whole turn into Judge Judy and damn them to hell even after years of proving their past mistakes would not be repeated and that they have become a functioning member of society.  The thought of returning to a place where they were not judged by their peers, given a bed to sleep in,  and three meals a day just seems the most plausible way to survive.
What would happen if more people were welcomed with open arms after they "paid their debt to society", and given another chance? I am not saying a person who served time for drugs should be able to go out and get a job as a pharmacy technician but someone explain to me why he cannot work for the city.  Why does that person get a life long sentence of a title that no longer suites them? Have you ever heard a "self-fulfilling prophecy?"  or "what the mind believes, the body achieves?"  If people are constantly smacked in the face with their mistakes, it breaks a person.  It cripples them. They're stuck.
Why is it the new normal to be so fucking self righteous that you feel you are more superior than another human being.  Why is it that we cannot except that history doesn't always predict future behavior? History does not always repeat itself. There are new inventions, new discoveries, and evolutions.  Why do we not feel the human race is incapable of the same transformations.
If you asked me six months ago if I would ever vote to legalize marijuana, I would tell you that you were crazy. Today, I would tell you that I do support legalization in certain circumstances.
So before you judge someone who is brave enough to come out and say they are trying to change, try supporting them until they give YOU a legitament reason not too. If you asked friends of a young Greg Mathis if they ever thought he would become a judge, and then a judge on a syndicated television personality, most of them would laugh and say you had lost your mind.   However, he had someone SOMEONE show him kindness.  He had people who realized his past did not dictate his future and he was able to rise above.
I find myself giving people in my life a second chance, and maybe even a third.  There is no manual to this journey through life.  I want to show compassion.  I want to plant and nurture hope to the hopeless.  I want people to realize there is no such thing as staying stuck.

Checking in

I recently started working on my home office now that I have 2 bedrooms that are empty.  I am not 100% sure if I will do weekly videos or if I will lean toward mainly blogging.  I quite enjoy writing.  Now, I have said many times before, I will never be a technical writer.  So the grammar nazi's may want to refrain from reading any further.  Don't say I didn't warn ya.
I personally enjoy a style called "free writing".  I spent enough time slaving over APA papers in college. I have no plans to be an author and even if I did, there are editors that I would gladly keep in business to make it "pretty" for me.
What is free writing?
"Free writing enables the writer to get past the conventional frame of work because it allows ideas to flow from the mind to the pen. In freewriting there are no walls or boundaries to cast a grammatical shadow on the writer."
Okay so back to the "checking in"...
I am sure that many think I have fallen off the face of the earth and gained all my weight back.  I just wanted to let you all know, I am here and I am still fighting.
I have had some pretty major changes occur in my life.  Some for the better, and some that were quite scary.
I had surgery in September that sidelined me from the gym for the better part of nearly two months. The thing is that when I was released to go back to the gym, I didn't, not like I had been going.  I did however continue to watch my diet.
I did research and tried "The Keto diet", and it did not work for me.  I ended up in the hospital with elevated Lipase levels and a mild case of pancreatitis.  I will write more about that experience in a later blog.
Currently, I am holding steady at 192.1 and I have recently started back at the gym 3-4 days a week. I have gone from a size 28 pant to a size 14.  My total loss to date is 125 pounds.
I cannot tell you the personal growth that I have experienced in 2017. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you.  Never EVER forget that there is no deadline for finding yourself and making yourself a priority.  You will lose some as you go through this transformation and that is okay.  Every person has their own path to follow.  The only thing you can do is wish them well and pray they are happy.

1. https://www.lynchburg.edu/academics/writing-center/wilmer-writing-center-online-writing-lab/drafting-a-document/freewriting/

Within

 Needless to say the past 45 days have been extremely difficult for me.   This past week I did manage to lose .4 pound but I am expecting to see a huge shift this week and not in the right direction.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat my feelings and the faster I stuff the morsels of food into my mouth, the more depressed I become. I not only am an emotional eater, I binge. Look, it's no secret I am battling my own demons.  However things I have and have not dealt with does not give me an excuse to continue this cycle and blame others for situations I have gotten MYSELF into.  I have control issues.  I feel that it is my job to deal with and solve every problem of each and every person I care deeply for and God forbid if I cannot.  To me, that just will tell the person I have let down that I don't love them enough to MAKE it happen.  Need a car payment made? Sure I will take care of that.  Need the latest technology? Absolutely, coming right up.  The crazy thing is that MOST,  definitely not all, examples of this,  the person doesn't ask me for it but I feel obligated.  I feel that it is directed connected to just how much I love them. I really cannot tell you where that need comes from and I refuse to believe that every single emotion is tied to an event or trauma. Maybe I am wrong.  I am not an expert.

     Words or phrases that people have used for my "problem" are "people pleaser", "door mat", and gullible.  I can tell you what I have been diagnosed with in my months of counseling.

1.  I am co-dependent.
2. I have a fear of failure- Also referred to as atychiphobia
3. Fear of being left and fear of rejection.
4. I dislike(d) myself for so long that it's very difficult to accept that loving myself is okay.

    I have always felt that I have had to beg for attention.  ALWAYS! When I get any attention at all I feel almost paralyzed with fear that I am going to lose it.  I think I took the phrase, "out of sight, out of mind" to a whole different level. I can tell you though with 100% confidence in the past 4 years that has gotten a lot better.  I can be perfectly happy sitting on my couch with my cats and my dog, finally getting caught up on the bachelor. I have said no to people and for me before, that NEVER happened.  

      We all are fighting wars within ourselves and not one person on this earth is perfect and while you may or may not believe in God or a higher power, I do.  I have come to peace with the mistakes I truly did make and I know I am forgiven.  Learning to love yourself is a long process and something that must be done alone.  Your happiness can be amplified
by your partner but true happiness lies only within you.  

Once upon a time

    I really wish I had more time to write.  It has always been a passion of mine.  I will fully admit that I am not a technical writer.  I am sure the grammar police would have a field day.  I think back to a time when all I had was time.  At 317+ pounds and laying in bed nearly all day, you would think I would have all the time in the world to write.  I didn't.  I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, overthinking, and pleasing everyone else except me.  I thought that my purpose in life was to make everyone around me happy and by doing that I would feel better. I didn't realize what a disservice to myself that was.  It was also a disservice to my family. I cannot help to think to a spongebob episode where Mr. Crabs had decided to go into the hotel business and his motto, "We shall never deny a guest, even the most ridiculous request."

This was me.  I didn't care if it meant her having a Katana cell phone, Limited too clothes, or cheerleading, instead of paying the bills as any mature responsible adult should do.  I was happy to oblige. I wanted her to never feel that she didn't have the best of everything or was made fun of because of what she didn't have.

Growing up, I had everything I needed but very little of what I wanted and I remembered feelings of yearning and how unfair life was because I didn't have money for Nike shoes.  In short, I was a materialistic brat. Instead I should have been thankful to have a roof over my head, and food to eat. I never realized this until well into my 30's when I was able to pull my head out of my ass and realize I needed to change if I was ever going to have a productive life. 

I remember times when I wore $9.00 clearance sneakers from Wal-Mart for four years just so my children could wear name brand.  

I must say that I realize I created the need for materialistic possessions so I blame no one but myself until I came to my senses. 

Children do not come with operation manuals and trust me I admit to my fair share of screwing my children's perception of the world up royally. 

My grandmother, who I love dearly and will NEVER speak ill of, took to my son and furnished him with just about anything he wanted. 

I in turn, spent what money we had, and at times it wasn't much, on my daughter so that she had material possessions. 

So while you are thinking you are the "cool, hip" parent that pretty much lives for their  children, you are indeed setting your youngsters up to a world of unrealistic expectations and mental illness. 

You may also set yourself up to be chastised for what you didn't provide so that they could have what you thought she indeed wanted. 

Trust me when I say this, children, even when they are younger do not want material possessions deep down inside.  They want parents.  They want someone to look up too and someone to respect.

They do not want you as their friend, and if you raise them as such, they will never gain the quintessential characteristic called respect, and society will be left cleaning up your mistakes. 

-End

Living and losing weight with PCOS Part 1

   

     Most cases of PCOS are diagnosed shortly after a girl starts her period but come on later in life as well.  It can show up during the reproductive years or in response to a "traumatic event within your body" aka-a substantial weight gain.  I will assume that the last scenario did it for me.  I really didn't show symptoms of PCOS until after I had hit my highest weight, dropped back down to 200.6, was in a car accident and then gained back 39 pounds.

     I will be honest.  During "phase 1" of my weight loss, it was pretty easy for me.  I didn't work so working out and meal prep and planning was my job, and I treated it as such.  In the fall of 2014,  I had returned back to college and had started to work as a teacher's assistant and a tutor.  I was much busier and it became HARD.  I was lucky if I mad it to the gym 3-4 days a week.  I maintained my weight loss within 10 pounds or so for two years.  In February 2016, the day of the big east coast blizzard, I was involved in a car accident and sustained a head injury.  I was not able to do physical activity and packed on another 25 pounds.  When I was released in May 2016 I still went to the gym.  I still ate mostly healthy but the weight would not budge.  I was finding myself buying new fat clothes and that is something I promised myself I would not do.  I plan to do another blog about "fat clothes" here soon.  I was becoming more and more depressed by the day.

   I started in the endocrinology field during my externship and became FASINATED. I absorbed any and all information that I could get my hands on.  I was thrilled to land a job in that field after my externship.  At every oppertunity I would ask questions.  I began to think that I had PCOS, Dysmetabolic syndrome-insulin resistance pretty quickly.  One of the first things I did once my probation period was over and my insurance kicked in was make an appointment with the office I work for.  My doctor ordered a batter of tests.  Here are some of the test you can expect when you are checking for PCOS, Dysmetabolic Syndrome, and Insulin resistance.  By the way they are all related.

• Testosterone- Yes we ladies have testosterone.  Ladies with higher levels of testosterone can indicate one of the above diagnoses. 
• CMP (Complete metabolic panel)- This gives your physician clues and can rule out other issues with your health that can hinder weight loss.  The big one is your glucose level.  You can have a higher glucose number and not be diabetic.  This measures your glucose at the time of your blood draw.  It also measures thinks like your liver enzymes, microalbumin, creatine which could indicate kidney disease and diabetes. 
• HbA1C- This is the most common test to accurately diagnose diabetes.  This test measures your glucose levels % of the past 3-4 months (the life of a red blood cell)  If you have any of the above you are going to be hovering on the upper end of normal and perhaps even in the "pre-diabetic" stage.  Normal (4.5-5.5%)  Prediabetes (5.6-6.5)  Diabetic (6.6 and above). Remember these are just averages and your reference range (normal) could be slightly different and men do differ from women. 

There are other hormonal tests that can be ordered and an ultrasound is normally ordered around your menstral cycle to check to see if your ovaries are cystic.

      Because you cannot always rely on tests a patients symtoms are looked at.  Here are a few of the common ones with checks beside each that I personally have.

• Weight gain or inability to lose weight ⥌🙆
• Irregular periods 🙆 
• Adult acne
• Excessive hair growth (due to excess androgens-male hormones)
• Infertility
• Hair loss (usually scalp hair)🙆
• Fatigue🙆

     It isn't pleasant by any means.  It IS harder to lose weight with one of these diagnosis' because while your body is producing insulin, it is not as effective at lowering blood glucose levels as those without this disease.  Low blood insulin levels is esstential for weight loss.   

     The chief reason I am doing this blog is to educate and to let you know there is hope and there are treatments available and you CAN lose weight and conceive despite this.  I have done it and have been doing it since October 10, 2016.  To date, I have lost 34 pounds.

   Because this is such a large subject, I have to break this subject up into parts.  This is part 1.  

Part 2 will cover treatments

Part 3 will cover diet and exercise.

Disclaimer: Please note I am not a medical doctor.  I am a MA and a tutor for all biological science classes.  I am taking nutrition classes and have completed approxiately 50% of my personal training classes. Please do not use this as a medical diagnosis and do not start any diet or exericise program without permission from your physician.  

Forgive them anyway...

      If you ever want to attract conflict, succeed in something.  Start to do well and miserable people will swarm you like bees on honey.  More specifically start to do well where someone else is struggling.  You will literally see the envy seep from their pores.

    Soon you will be forced to feel as though you are wrong for mentioning your accomplishments or steps you took to get there.  People will bring up every mistake from your past. They will hang on to every part of the old you that you fought so hard to change.

     All I try to remember is that misery loves company.  It isn't that they dislike you or that they aren't proud of you.  They are.  They just wish they were at the point in their lives or their weight loss journey as you are.

   Changing is not easy.  Losing weight is not easy.  It is hard.  It is frightening to step outside of a life you know.  We are all unique and we mature at different rates and at different stages of our lives.  If you think you are mature in your 20's..lol, you aren't.  I didn't even begin to get my life together until I was 28 years old.

     However, do not feel ashamed for getting where you are.  There are other people watching you and learning from your actions AND reactions.  There are others that are inspired by you.  Shout your accomplishments from the rooftops.  Where you came from and where you're going will or have never been easy.

   Those people are difficult to deal with but I think of something Mother Theresa said;

"Forgive them anyway"

Who do you think you are?

     For those of you who dislike rants you may want to ignore this post. (Deep breath) I am SO SICK of being ignorant posts about people who are obese, even morbidly obese. Do you think it makes you a better person to poke fun of someone else? Are you perfect? Guess what...perfection does not exist. Do you know their circumstance? They may have a health issue, An emotional situation, medications that save their lives but causes weight gain. You have NO IDEA how much words can hurt. 

     Not every person who is obese is lazy. Not every thin person is healthy. Skinny does NOT equal healthy. Stop bullying others for a laugh to make yourself feel better so you do not have to look in a mirror and face your own imperfections. WORK ON YOU and leave others alone! Be supportive and offer advice and help not criticism. Your body does not define who you are. Your heart does. (mic drop)

Day 1 of 2016- 2015 in review

      2015 was a pretty darn good year.  I had my ups and there were some downs but I survived and I can honestly say I am a better person than I was last year.  Most of all I am proud of myself when it comes to taking steps to stand up for myself and demand to be treated with the respect than I deserve.    I am a victim of allowing people who I love to take advantage of me and talk to me badly. This year I took control of that and while it has not been perfect, I have gotten better.

I graduated with my first college degree and expanded my tutoring business.  I made the presidents list my first semester and the deans list the second semester (I am still a little butt-hurt over the B I got in a lab class this past semester) but still ended with a 3.93 gpa.

My biggest down was gaining 36 pounds back but I ended the year so strong.

2016 is going to be an amazing year. I am in my last semester for my MA degree and will pick up a liberal arts degree as well.  I will begin a career while continuing to run my business. The first part of this year I have a lot of decisions to make as far as my future. I know I want to get a bachelors degree and then go on to get a masters degree.  I also plan to get to my lowest weight (below 200.6) and I plan to become even stronger emotionally.


So here's to the future.  .....

Hi, my name is Kristy and I'm a doormat

I am coming to realize I have a real problem with being a doormat. I didn't use to be this way. I was known for my strength. I give people way too many chances. I allow people to lie on me, disrespect me, anger me, hurt me, and abuse me and I just keep on treating them as if they have done the opposite.

     I think I have pretty good intuition and overall I am pretty smart but I ignore facts and signs. 

1. If someone only talks to you when they need or want something .....

2. When someone will eat you up to your face and then trash you to others....

3. When you are always the last option on their want to spend time with you lost...

4. When you have to make a mental note a mile long of things or subjects that is off limits...

5. When you are good enough to come to for help but not good enough to be on their social media....like you're hidden or that maybe people will see through their wall of bullshit...

6. And when that person makes you feel worthless despite your accomplishments.....

I need to start respecting myself. I need to start demanding respect from others and remove them from my life if they cannot treat me as I deserve to be treated. 

This goes to show that educating yourself can change your perception

     It may be shocking to know that marijuana was a part of the pharmacopeia industry from the 1840’s until 1941 when it was removed and eventually declared illegal by the Controlled Substance Act of 1970.  Since that time many states have defied federal regulations and re-categorized marijuana as a schedule II drug, instead of the federal categorization that makes it a schedule I.  Despite personal opinions about recreational use, there are instances in which the effectiveness of Marijuana as a medication has been documented. Many also believe that the federal government does not have the right to regulate an issue that should be handled at a state level. 

     To effectively argue which conditions medical marijuana should be made under to make it legal; one must consider its potential purpose as well as its effectiveness against the potential harmful influences.  Marijuana produces a resin containing compounds called cannabinoids.  Cannabinoids are active chemicals in Cannabis that cause drug-like effects throughout the body, including the central nervous system and the immune system. According to the National Cancer Institute, cannabinoids have been researched and there is evidence for clinical for relief of pain, nausea and vomiting, anxiety, loss of appetite, and many more ailments. It is important to note that privately funded research has shown that when you heat cannabis you do lose 99 percent of the beneficial properties.  When talking to most people who are against legalization they seem to have a lot of the same arguments.  The main one is that marijuana was not adequately tested nor approved by the FDA.  From my research there has only been one credible source of quality marijuana that scientist could use for research.  Dr. Lyle Cracker, a professor applied to get a license to grow the plant and conduct a five million dollar study to alter inhaled or vaporized marijuana into something the FDA would approve for medicinal purposes.  It took Dr. Cracker nearly four years to be granted permission.  Two years later, the DEA Deputy Administrator overturned that decision. Lyle retired at the age of 70 but remained a strong supporter of medicinal marijuana.

      In 1996 California voters passed Proposition 215, otherwise known as the Compassionate Use Act of 1996. This was the first time a state defied the federal government. This allowed extremely ill patients to obtain and use marijuana for medicinal purposes.  It also prevented these patients from being prosecuted as criminals. It has not been easy for California or any other states that have implemented laws as this one. It is important to note that marijuana remains a schedule I drug and is still illegal by their law. The federal government has fought this every step of the way.  Their efforts have included by threats to physicians who wrote prescriptions and to property owners who rented to people who were running dispensaries.  The states feel it is a question of personal rights and listening to the citizens that elect them. They feel that the government has no basis for making a decision regarding individuals’ health care choices.  The federal governments argument is linked to the commerce clause. If you do not know what that is, I encourage you to go read about it.

     What still remains a mystery is why there is such opposition by the federal government. Why exactly did marijuana become illegal in the first place? The only answers I came across in my research was a spike in crime was linked to a surge of Mexican marijuana smokers crossing our borders. Even through the current presidential term our government refuses to even consider federally funded research.

     In conclusion to this longstanding argument between the federal government and state, while I will NEVER change my opinion about recreational use,  it is my belief that the federal government has over stepped their bounds. When our founding fathers created the constitution they granted power to the federal government over areas of military crimes, treason, and counterfeiting.  The laws are gray when it comes to government versus state when it comes to matters such as this topic. Finally, are we not supposed to lead the medical industry? I would think that they would be anxious to disprove the effectiveness of cannibus if they are so against it. The FDA needs to regulate it to ensure it is safe for those who do make the choice to use. It is my opinion that after more research and credible experiments that a plan be put into action to legalize marijuana for medicinal use.  This of coarse is assuming a positive result. Marijuana does have side affects but what medication does not?

Needed to publish this somewhere

     Woke up this morning with a new outlook on life and now I will get something off my chest.  I have made mistakes in my life. HUGE, BIG mistakes.  Mistakes that haunt me every single day.  I have made so many changes in the last 4 years to make myself a better person. For those of you who knew me, I was pretty much psychotic.  I will NOT go into excuses why I was the way I was because to me, it isn't important. I will not play the role of victim, regardless if I was or not. I am 41 years old.  I would rather be held accountable for my own "crazy".

     I have lost nearly 100 pounds (gained back a few but was over 100), started going to church (I haven't been in a little while but that will change), started college and will graduate with 3 degrees by the end of May. I got a job through my college and even run my own tutoring business which I don't do just for money but mainly because I LOVE helping others.

      So here it is.  People do change.  People evolve and reminding them at EVERY DARN opportunity mistakes that they made doesn't help ANYONE! Making someone else feel worthless doesn't change the past. I am not the person I was 10 years ago.  I wasn't the person I was 3 years ago or yesterday. I do not know that person anymore.  So a bit of advice to everyone, never judge a person on past mistakes because there is no one who is mistake free, two wrongs do not make a right. judge a person on the here and now for what you know and have observed about them. By no means is this an admission of ANYTHING but I have done wrong. I know people will believe what they want to believe anyway. I love the person I am today and try to remind myself of the changes I have made daily. You can never take away things you have done but you can apologize and pray to the good Lord for forgiveness and you can change and that is all you can do.

Life Lessons

   

 Some of the biggest lessons I have learned in my 41 years of being on this planet.

• You cannot please everyone
• You are only liked as much as long as you are useful to some people
• You can be the best thing since sliced bread until you tell someone the truth
• You cannot take things personally.  People will blame you for their mistakes and bad decisions before they accept responsibility. 
• You cannot make an important decision out of anger, happiness, or sadness.

What are some of your personal biggest lessons?

Food is a true addiction

      I lost 103 pounds.  I developed a relationship with God.  I went after and completed my first degree. I started working and have been really successful.  I LOVE helping others and seeing them succeed.  I took their failures as my failures and tried harder.  What I realize is that I stopped helping myself and in less than a year I have gained 31 pounds back.  I have allowed food to regain it's power over me.  I have continued to work out 3-4 days per week but trust me when I say that it is true that you cannot out work a bad diet.  "I went to the gym today so I can eat those peanut butter M&M's." is bullshit.  Those M&M's were my latest victim.  Now I am sicker than a dog.  I know better! I need to remember where I was.  I need to remember the feeling of where I was.  I remember crying and making the video where I finally hit that 100 pounds mark.  I remember fitting into a size 14. Now I am back in a 18 and borderline going back into a 3x shirt.

     Weight loss is such a roller coaster ride.  It's lonely and I am learning that it is unpopular.  You need a support system.  You need friends who will smack the crap out of your hands.  Trust me, I do have several of them. You also need to realize that (and trust me I am talking to myself) bringing snacks into the house "for the grand babies" is an excuse to have it around.  Food is an addiction.  You bring cookies, brownies, and Peanut butter M&M's around an addict is like putting wine in a house with an alcoholic.

    So here is to day 1..again.
It's not how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get back up.

Fighting back

I'm ready!

What they think of you is not your business

     It's scary how much a person can change in a year.  That is one reason I love time hop. I was just negative and mean.  I tried to prove everyone wrong.
God forbid that anyone would say anything about me or my family.  I really felt like I was doing them an injustice by not "setting the world straight." What a difference a year makes.
 
     What a difference going to church and developing a relationship with Jesus has made.  I realize that people who do not like you don't want to hear the truth.  I realized that caring about what anyone says isn't hurting them,  it impedes my journey.  I was taking time away from the important things in my life to address people who wouldn't like me or my family even if we were perfect.  Perfection doesn't exist by the way.  As the great Martin Luther King Jr. Said,  "A man can't ride your back unless it's bent. " Steve Harvey said,  "when they blog about you,  it's just a blog,  when you respond it's a press conference. "

     The truth is,  if I were really a child of God and I loved myself,  I wouldn't care what was said.  The most important people know the truth and that's all that matters.  When people talk about you,  you're doing something right.  When you stop your climb to acknowledge hatred, you're doing something wrong. Pray for them instead.  God tells us to love even your enemies. 

Kristy

Parenting mistake

  Omgosh, "MiMi" is admitting she made a parenting mistake? Well DUH!
Let me just get this declaration out of the way; every parent messes up their child or children in some way. We have all heard of the phase, "parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual." Well, it doesn't.  If you are strict, you may have rebellion. If you aren't strict, you may have rebellion. 


  So what mistake am I admitting?  I admit that I have put a "lid" on my children.  By the way, the inspiration to for this blog came from a chapter in the book, "Act like a success, think like a success" by Steve Harvey. When I read the chapter I realized I was extremely guilty.  I am taking ownership for a mistake that I realize has hindered my children.  Let me tell you, not even halfway through this blog, I feel liberated just by admitting this. 

Growing up in West Virginia although with parents who always worked very hard, I still was considered poor by many.  Don't get me wrong, I had clothes, shoes, a home, etc.  I always appreciated everything I had despite being jealous of others and what they had.  I just accepted that I would never have those things.  I accepted the fact that their families were better than mine.  YES I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE, but to a child, it certainly can seem that way.

I was often intimidated by those more fortunate than I was.  I felt I never had anything in common with them, I mean I couldn't talk to them about my Nike shoes.  I never owed any until I was much older.  So I stayed away and stuck to those who were like me.

So when I made the decision at 18 to not accept the scholarship I was offered in order to be a wife, I felt content because that was my normal. 

Unfortunately I also raised my children the same way with some good and not so good exceptions.

I always wanted my children to exceed my accomplishments so that is why I never gave them an option about attending college.  They knew that was what their natural progression would be when they finished high school.  Call me forceful, Idc.  I feel a person cannot change without being challenged.    I always wanted my children to have certain things I did not have so yes I did buy them the Nike shoes, the high end make up, the ridiculously expensive private cheerleading lessons. Yes, there are good things about that, and there are also bad which I will not get into this time. 

What I did do which I KNOW was wrong was tell them that people who had rich parents, people who had better jobs, etc. were different than they were and to be careful.

WOW! Yes that sounds even worse when I write it down.  What I have learned is that who we surround ourselves by will dictate  a lot about who we are both now and in our future.  If you want better, you have to do better.  You have to hang out with people who are where you want to be. 

You have to prove to YOURSELF, that you are no different.  They have invaluable lessons they can teach you just by being around them.  We cannot allow fear of rejection to hinder us from becoming what we inspire to be.  So if you look to your left and look to your right and those around you are not where you want to be, start walking and don't look back.  

Weather

     I do about you guys but I'm already dreading winter. I have already been sick twice.  I'm praying I can get well so I can drive the mile to our local Walgreens to get my flu shot. I'll save the vaccine argument for another entry but folks get your flu shot.  Sup bugs are on the rise and some of this stuff is deadly.

      I haven't been able to get to the gym this week and that doesn't make a happy me. So if you're in a praying mood, say one for me.

Vent session

     It's literally 6 a.m. and I should be sleeping or better yet, studying.  Instead, I am awake "thinking" and looking through various social media sites and what I am TIRED of seeing has gotten me so worked up I decided to vent on here.

     People are all over social media complaining about how much their lives stink and how they have no one.  Nearly every retweet is about their "miserable" lives....  GOOD GOSH!  Why do you think you have no friends?  Let me take a stab at this here.  Could it be because you post crap like that when you DO have people in your life willing to do anything for you and they get to see that nonsense?

     Idc if you have one person in your life who cares for you, it exceeds what some people have so why not look at your life with rose colored lenses instead of alienating the people you DO have in your life.

     Oh, and ladies when you get a new boyfriend that you look at and heart fly out of your behind, DO NOT forget those who were there before him. That is the quickest way to lose friends and to become estranged from others in your life.

     I know that in life we have become selfish.  I am even guilty of it on occasion HOWEVER anyone that knows me knows I have an extremely giving heart.  Where I am going with that is, if you feel no one includes you, perhaps you should look in the mirror and ask yourself why INSTEAD of going to Facebook and twitter.  I mean seriously I wouldn't want to be included in something because someone felt sorry for me after I had posted a "oh woe is me" story.  I would want to be included because they truly had me on their mind.

     Why are we never satisfied with what we have? The people we have? Can I just tell you that those people you do have are sitting back feeling pretty worthless when they see things like that.  Why not give your all to those people who DO SHOW they care about you?  I know I want my circle to be about people that prove to me through actions not about those who feel obligated because I complain.

   When you begin to think your life is so horrible think about those little innocent babies who are sleeping on the streets at night.  Think about the elderly people who are stuffed in nursing homes and have not had visitors in years.  Think about the children who are dying from disease and from starvation.  YOUR life doesn't "stink" nor is it pathetic.  You are lucky you have the life you have.  You are lucky to be alive.  It's insulting to those people who ARE in your life. It's insulting to GOD.

     If you feel alone, go volunteer at a nursing home.  Go volunteer at a hospital.  Read a book to educate yourself.  Do not go on social media and make things worse.  Your words hurt others.  You're hurt because you were left out? Well think about what it feels like to those who continually are there for you seeing that your life is HELL and how you have no one. THEN sit back and ask yourself could that be why......

    My advice, take inventory of yourself and you just may find an answer.

My new hash tag!

   
 I say that I am going to start blogging more and then life gets in the way and I always forget.  Well this time I mean it.  I must make this disclaimer first though.  My blog is informal.  If grammar errors bother you, you may not want to go any further.  I am not an inspiring author.  I am a normal mother, wife, and grandmother who sometimes likes you write things down.  Sometimes I like to vent.  Other times it's because I know my family and friends get completely tired of me talking about my weight loss or even my views on certain things going on in the world today.  Just know, that those views are MINE.  I am thankful I am unique.  I am respectful that you are YOU as well so lets respect each other K?

   I posted a status the other day on my Facebook page and I plan on expanding on it a bit.

" While I am taking a 5 minute break from peptide cross bridges and tetrapeptide side chains, can someone please explain to me where the females in this country lost their "need and want" when it comes to being classy. I am ALLLL for the basis of feminism and being treated equal but I do not think acting like harlots, lying, and putting family at the bottom of the chain is what people envisioned. WE NEED to go back to at least the morals of our ancestors. I am SICK of seeing the way some girls act on social media and then read how they are being treated so horrible by men. The answer is they no longer respect us! The answer is also that GOD is being taken out of everything. UGH OK. Rant over."


   Sometimes my children tell me that I am "too old" to have certain social media sites lol,  I have a very strong opinion about that as well.  In short for now, I am an adult on a computer, phone, and Internet that I pay for so what I have or do not have shouldn't concern anyone but me and my husband. (Steps down off the soap box)  Anyway, probably the reason they say that is my irritation of what I see on those social media sites.  I remember growing up MOST girls wanted to be known as virtuous.  If they were sleeping around, they certainly didn't advertise it.  They didn't express "how freaky" they are and how much they just loooveeeee having sex.  Women now, especially young girls, have completely lost respect for themselves.  They show everything they have and talk about things that would make this old lady blush.  If you "tweet" or "retweet" about how you like being smacked on the ass or that it is OKAY to sleep with someone the first night what message are you sending?  
(NO, IT'S NOT OKAY first of all.)
But who are you talking too? WHO needs to know that? WHY discuss that?  It is a shame that females need to have attention so badly that even bad attention is sought.  Men see this and I am sorry girls but if you cannot respect yourselves then why should they respect you?  You wonder why so many males are becoming Nymphomaniacs. 
That is what we are marketing ourselves as ladies!  
It's not only about sex and scant wardrobes.
It's about having manners.  It is about respecting your parents instead of posting status's, tweets, little cartoons, vines calling our mothers bitches and how they are horrible people.  
It's about mothers who put men in their lives before their children and make decision after decision without keeping the innocent children in mind.  
I am sorry, it makes me mad.  One of the biggest argument I have with my own children is what they choose to "retweet" and "share" on social media.  
I DO wish we could go back to women respecting themselves and wanting to be virtuous.  I may just "be old" but I respect myself and it bothers me younger generations losing all of that.  I have heard that "the older generation wants to complain but look who raised us."  NO ONE is responsible for your actions other than the person staring back at you in the mirror.  That is a piss poor excuse for bad behavior.

    Lastly, it is 2:30 a.m. lol, you see this new trend of #stopwhitepeople (insert eye roll) wellI my new hashtag is #stopyounggirlsstop